The Art of Drowning.

Lately I'm finding it hard to breathe, it feels like I'm slowly dying, drowning in my own thoughts and feelings. You baby, are my light, my happiness, my joy, my motivation, my everything and I hope you never have to experience what I'm going through.

Thoughts

It's been a month and I still can't shake this sadness, I can't keep myself from crying and the things that used to help me see clear are now out of reach. Most nights crying is what get me to sleep. When it gets to the point where I have no voice and my eyes burn I know I will soon be safe from my thoughts only until morning. I wish I could know whats going on in your mind, how you feel and what you want. But I just sit here hoping you will come back to me. Everyone seemed to be breaking up when we did, but now their all sorting it out and getting back together except for us and it breaks my heart hearing them telling me the cute things that are happening when I know that I'm not going to get that happy ending.

Wagtail

As I wait for my bus. I notice a little willy-wagtail, with black body and a white breast. I find it amazing how it hops around so carefree, without a worry in the word. Just pecking crumbs off the ground and chirping happily, so beautfiul and with such grace. I watch if for a full half an hour, just going about its business, then all of a sudden it spread its wings and flew away. I envy that bird, it was perfect, flawless, was oblivious to the horrible world around it and could just flly away.

bump.

I'm sitting here waiting for you. I'm not too sure how I will handle this, it always hurt seeing you walk back to your car and drive away. But this time its different, this is the last time I will see you and I know its going to break my heart in two. As I sit here, wondering what to say, time is running out. I'm finding it hard to breath, you're going to be here and I'm going to want to hug you and kiss you. Like old times. I'll try play it cool while your here and look like I'm fine, as I've been doing every single other day. And hope you never see the mess I will be in after you leave. I don't even know if I will make this. Fuck, I just need you back...

Full Moon

Why is it that, the person we trust the most ends up hurting us the worst... Is it because we give them everything. We let our guard down for them and give them the power to destroy us. All the memories just sit there, never fading. You think back to the moments you spent together and although it was six months ago, it feels like just yesterday you two were sitting together, laughing, kissing, feeling complete. You shut your eyes and can still feel his strong arms wraped tightly around you, with his head in your neck and his warm breath floating milimeters above your skin. You stare down at your hands and they look so empty without his fingers inbetween yours. Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever find someone like that again, the one that sums up your 'perfect' person. Every memory becomes a painful reminder of what you lost, something you will never get back. You sit there waiting and hoping that your past will someday return to your future. But if you were to get a second chance, would you take it? With no certain garentee that it will last forever and having a brief experience of the pain to loose someone who made you whole. It may feel like you've lost the battle by letting them go. But in reality you're the strong one.

Because honestly, we would be better off alone.

In A Lonely Place

If it wasn't love, then how come it hurts this much to say goodbye ?

Haunted life, haunted dreams.

People say 'time heals all wounds'. That's a lie. A wound this deep never heals, it never fades away. It stays exposed, getting bigger and bigger until it consumes you're whole body and there is nothing left. We try to forget but little reminders or as I call them "hauntings" come to mind. You might drive past a gas station you once got gas from or a resturaunt you both went to and you get that feeling, where your heart beats so fast you think its just going to stop. These feelings never leave my body, from the moment i wake to the moment i go to sleep there is this cloud over me pouring out bad vibes. Sleep used to be my only escape, but now you visit me there too. Sometimes you love me, others you dont. But one thing that always stays the same is that I'm there beside you. Always by your side. I really want to forget you, but nothing is letting me. Could this be trying to tell me something? Every morning i wake up with more pain in my body and a bigger hole eating me up limb by limb. But the question is, is there something that can save me before I'm gone for good?

yes, the answer is you.

Fractured, not broken

I'm not broken, I just have many small fractures. It's as if they are all a living thing, they each have a pulse and different pressures of beating. Some feel like little pin pricks into your skin while others feel like there is a gaping hole and you can actually pin point the second that the muscles seperate and rip in two. At times I don't think I will make it but it always get better. Although when one fracture fully recovers another one always appears. It's like a never ending game. The scars that were their first soon get replaced by newer ones and over time it feels like I'm completely broken. But I'm not, it's just all small fractues, nothing bad, I'll be fine.